A walk with the Doiron's

I wanted to wish all my family and friends a very Merry Christmas and the best wishes for the New Year.

As we go on with the hussel and bussel of this time of year, I pray that you don't get caught up with the secular Christmas but remember,

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." Luke 2:8-12

Be safe and know that you are loved!

~Jennifer, Shawn, Alexander and baby Kassidy~

I can't believe that it has been 3 years since I lost my two little angels. I remember that day like it was yeaterday. I was excited and nervous because Dec 23rd, 2006 was my 18week ultrasound for baby doiron #2.

I also remember when my world came crashing down. As soon as the Radiologist was called in I knew something was wrong. I prayed that it was something like a birth defect or something like that. How wrong I was. As we waited in the ER for the call OBGYN, I felt my heart stop beating. At least that is what I thought it did.

When the Dr came in I remember her giving me my options. Natural or D&C. I wanted to say I just wanted my baby but knew I couldn't do that. So I waited to enter the OR. This time around things went a little easier with the wait but the post d&c was even harder then the first. All I did was cry. I screamed out for my baby many time the nurse told me.

I also remember the nurse whispering in my ear a little prayer. I was lucky because the nurse that was there my first D&C was my nurse the second round. She had been through the same routine 20 years ago. I knew I wasn't alone yet I felt like I was the only one that matter at that moment.

Looking back on this loss makes me realize how loved I was. The outpouring of love and support from friends, family and even strangers that heard what happen was amazing. I can remember that Christmas. I tried to put on a happy face but my heart just wasn't in the Christmas spirit. I knew what had happened happened for a reason but I fell apart.

Shawn was always by my side holding me and comforting me. I was truly blessed to have a husband who was there with me in it all. I saw him cry real tears with me as when the pain got so hard for me to bare.

I fell into a depression that I never thought I would get out of. I started birth control soon after my first dr's appointment after that day and didn't want to get pregnant again for a long time.

It was my family and church that made me realize that just because I lost a child that I couldn't hold didn't make me any less a mother then those around me with children in their arms. I had children. I was a different sort of mother. A mother to heavenly children. I began seeing God in this terrible event. I was able to speak about my losses and my falling apart and in return developed deep friendships with people I never thought I would be friends with.

I found out in May 2007 that I was pregnant once again. I was terrified. We did everything to not get pregnant but God had other plans. Alexander is a gift from God in so many ways. First of all after losses being able to feel a child growing in you is a powerful feeling. Secondly, Alexander shouldn't have survived the first few months. Terrible bleeding due to a tare where the placenta was could have killed him but God was there.

Today Alexander is just as determined as he was in the womb. Sometimes I look at that twinkle in his eye and wondering if maybe a little of his heavenly siblings are shining through.

Today we are celebrating not the loss of an angel but impact that that one tiny live had on his mommy. I am stronger now because of those losses. I believe that I would not have been able to stand beside Myah and baby Faith like I did if I didn't have these losses. Sometimes out of the most terrible events the greatest joys come out of it.

Alexander will grow up knowing how precious life is and how much his mommy and daddy love him because he became even more special and perfect because his siblings are looking down on him.

I might weep a little but I know that my babies are in the most perfect place right now. As a watch Alexander grow up and his little sister Kassidy coming into the world I will remember that God is totally in control and we need to take time to make memories and laugh. We need to have true friends to bond with and family to share the memories with.

What a great gift God has given me. Two angels in my heart, one in my arms and one safely growing inside!

Dear mommy's angels,

Mommy loves you very much and longs to hold you one day in my arms but until that day that we see each other know that you are in my heart always and as I raise your brother and sister they will know that they are truly special because they are loved here on Earth and in Heaven also.

Love you always and forever,

Mommy <3